I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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