Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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