yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
