You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
