Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
