What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
