maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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