Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
