i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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