i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
