I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
