Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize