Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
