Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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