I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize