I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
