I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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