I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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