In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
