That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My feet surprised me
I'm really busy with my period
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