Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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