oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
