i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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