saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
