Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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