nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
