100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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