My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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