You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
