it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
