He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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