I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Mom said you looked used
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
