I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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