I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
