my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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