i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize