She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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