Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
