My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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