Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
