Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
