he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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