Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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