Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
