I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
