I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
