I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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