I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
