Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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