I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
We smell like vodka and hangover
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