how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
