then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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