I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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