when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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