I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
