You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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