You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
