worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
