Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
