Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
