Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He shit in the fireplace
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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