Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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