I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
