uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
